by J.S. Holland
Given that I'm at the point at which my disdain for contemporary culture has hit a new all-time luddite high (or low, depending on your viewpoint), and also given that my coveted giant-size KISS Army Mug got tragically broken awhile back, I think the proper posture for a gentleman such as myself is to start drinking out of oversized stoneware-and-metal monstrosities that look like Kaiser Wilhelm's hat.
This, then, is my latest acquisition in the quest for superior alcoholic technology if drink we must for a better Kentucky: a ceramic stein I've come to nickname "The Captain". It features a bas-relief mural depicting a good old lodge meeting of another era, and best of all, it has a music box in its base. (Someone should invent a country-music-themed stein that plays tear-jerking songs to cry in your beer to. And that someone will probably have to be me.) It bears the inscription auf der alm, da ist es schon which roughly translates from German to "On the mountain pasture it is beautiful."
Even though a man can only drink one beer at a time, I feel strangely compelled to start collecting these contraptions. I foresee rows and rows of them lining the walls of my wine cellar. Steins make good friends, and as Bernie Bernbaum wisely said, you can't have too many.
Bring your own next time you visit the JSH Plantation and we'll clank tankards and sing along with old Heino records.
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